i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
