Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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