Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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