there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
