just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
