oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
