i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
