I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
