Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
