we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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