using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
