I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It's blow job season.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
