That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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