my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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