can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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