I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
