last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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