I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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