Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
