I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
