I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize