walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
