im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
