NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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