I just pynch a tree in the face
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
