Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
