I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
