Your face is a jimmy john
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
