I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm getting married
To pizza
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
