my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
