Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
