If i come over, it means nothing
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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