I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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