Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
