What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
