I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
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Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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