What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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