You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
