Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
