Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
