I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
