If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
