don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
