I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
