Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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