im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
