can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
