I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
