when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
