If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
