he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
