You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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