I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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