Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
