Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
