An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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