Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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