I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
